By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
