I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I haven't been this sober since birth.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
