I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
