please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It was like getting head from an anaconda
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
