I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
