i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
