he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
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the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
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And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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