Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
