last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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