my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
