so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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