sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
