so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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