just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
