you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No I am not eating basil off your cock
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
