For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
