Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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