yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
