I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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