Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
