Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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