I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
