What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
