I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
