I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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