someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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