woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
