Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
