Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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