the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
