She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
