Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
