i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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