I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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