Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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