They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My vagina is officially offended.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
