That's intense
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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