After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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