i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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