i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
