My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
