I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
