My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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