Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
