she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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