and you said cock pushups were impossible
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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