The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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