I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
