can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
