Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
