franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
