I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
