i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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