Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
why is half of my head shaved?
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