She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
